FLINGING INTO FABULOUS...GRIEVING

(Flinging into Fabulous...all in a fishing trip cont. If your just joining me click back to Sunday's post to get you started)

Hi, today is a difficult day for me. 

Six years ago today my life changed drastically.  I lost my older brother, Greg.  He had a sudden heart attack at 40.  His death taught me a few things.  Nobody tells you or talks about grieving, it’s not taught in school.  Even though people say it often, LIVE YOUR LIFE!!! There is no guarantee it will be here an instant later.  Do, say, write, shout, train, take, cherish, embrace, change, stop, start whatever it takes to live the amazing, happy life that YOU are meant to have.  Not what other people want you to live. Most important fill it with love of yourself and others.  Know your family history.  Don’t smoke, it only fills you with pain and leaves your family with memories of you.  Greg struggled with quitting and had quit when he had the heart attack.

The only comfort I have with his death is that he will be right there to greet me when my time comes.  Greg gives amazing hugs, he’s a great hugger so take comfort in that; he will be there for us with open huggie arms.

I created this card of Greg and carry it in my wallet, as a visual reminder to live MY LIFE, HAPPY! Occasionally I give it out when the time is right. 

Today, I am fabulously wearing a "I'm Grieving" t-shirt.  I'm a little nervous I couldn't do it 6 years ago but I think people need to be exposed to grieving especially growing up.  If we learn more about it then, we won't have to figure it out during the actual time.  Grieving is not a dirty word, its a reality that we all go thru at some point.  I think if we learn more about grieving as a whole we can heal as a whole and be there for each other when the time comes.

Today, especially today, please live your life in a fabulous way, in memory and honor of Greg live like him, HAPPY!  Thank you...xxxxoooo Michelle (Missy)

If you want to read more about my Grieving story...

This isn't all the gorey details.  I defininately do not want to become the "grieving lady"! It's not written perfectly, I could re-write this over and over forever and remember another important detail but for now this is how I want to say it.  I wrote this mainly just for me so I'm a little nervous putting it out there for all to read.
. 

Greg’s death came just 4 years after my oldest brother, Freddie at 50 died of colon cancer.  My family was somewhat recovered from that, meandering along and then BAMB!  There was no preparation for this; my only comfort was that I was living in the same city at the time.  I just saw him.  We just celebrated Mom’s birthday earlier in the month.  Forty, fifty years of knowing someone just isn't enough, no amount of time is enough, it just isn't!

Both my brothers were amazing in every way, the best a sister could ever ask for.  I still can’t believe their gone and now I’m an only child.  The dynamics of my family changed, now it’s just me and mom that remember my growing up years.  Now I solely will be the one who will be responsible for taking care of all of mom's details as she ages.  I'm the baby I'm not suppose to know how to do all that stuff, that's what my big brothers always took care of.  I always went to them for any kind of problem solving!  Thank God, my Mom is so organized and on top of it and has a lot of details taken care of all ready!  I know I will figure it out, don't worry Mom. 

My daughter was almost 2, at the time; I think Greg’s death played a huge part in why Nyla is an only child.  I never dreamed of only having one.  I just couldn’t see being pregnant with the way I felt, I didn’t think it would be fair to give this new child a rough start and then time kept going on.  Nobody told me that grieving would last so long.  My husband was away a lot on fishing trips.  His heart was broken too, fore they were his brothers too but someone had to pay the bills.  For my daughter’s sake I held up pretty good, actually she kept me sane and made me realize and gave me unconditional joy.  As Andy was away fishing and when Nyla was asleep that is when I would crumble. Our dog, Martine was always there, he kissed my crying eyes he didn’t mind me crumbling and geez he kept me walking him no matter what!  (he’s a little bossy). 


Laughter and smiles do come along while grieving, I remember one time Mom and I were at the bank taking care of something in relation to Greg's death and something made us laugh.  The lady at the bank kinda looked at us strange, I think she must have thought why are they laughing at a time like this.  Well, let me tell you anytime you can laugh it is a gift, if you can make someone laugh for that brief moment you allow that person to forget the sadness that they are in.       

In those alone moments different things got me through but a constant was music.  Santana’s Europa Earth’s Cry, Heaven’s Smile, I feel was written just for me, it’s so beautiful and such a gift.  (I wish I was more techy right now so you can hear it, cranked and driving is best)  I was so angry at God! How could he take my brothers away from me! I realize now he knows what he's doing and thats what were taught, Heaven is the place to be it's the best but what are we suppose to do down here? Without the ones that give us the special light that we need? Well, they passed the torch; its up to us to carry on that special light, comfort, prepare others for the future of when we pass.  Thats what!  It still can't replace the physical contact and hearing their voice though.

And of course Bob Marley, was a key music help.  A couple of years later as I danced with my daughter our song, 3 little birds became significant and got me thru. I was over the initial heartache, I began to grieve in a different way.  Every once in a while those memories good and horrific hospital moments, those times come and dancing with my little Nyla seeing her giggly face as I held her and we danced just helped so much. I would look at Andy, he knew my sadness thankfully Nyla didn’t always.

I’m not going to talk about my mom or my sister-n-laws or my niece or nephews because they are the gifts and treasures left behind.  They are so amazing in each their own way and I can’t even imagine the unbelievable pain they have endured.

I know for a fact time does heal all wounds, the amount of time I don’t know.  I kept waiting for the 1 year mark - that was supposed to be the magic number, it wasn’t for me, then 1 year and a day came that wasn't it either.  I was hopeful that each day after would be the day.  I’m not sure when I stopped thinking about Greg everyday but I have.   I have an amazing life, partially because of my brother’s deaths, it was a reality check but mostly because of my amazing husband, daughter and mom and I give me some credit too :)

Other things that happened, before Greg died I had always had low blood pressure.  As soon as he died, I got high blood pressure.  I can’t say it’s because of his death but I feel it contributed to it.  Now years later after practicing Reiki, I realized when you have heartache it can affect your heart. It did mine.  Now I’m off blood pressure medicine.  You have to release the stuff somehow; it will hold you back and literally take you down!  Go there but don’t stay there, reach out anyway you can, keep finding a way and people...offer a hand you never know the change a total stranger can make.

 So much has happened in these 6 years.  Shoot, I’m a blonde now, never thought that would happen, :)  We will all have many deaths in our lives,  but there will come one that will change your core, your true being...from that moment on your life will be different in a way you never imagined.  It will teach you more about yourself, it will make you, don't let it break you.  I've got the torch Freddie, Greg it is flaming and glowing bright and I'm having a lot of fun like you taught me life should be!

Thank you everyone for listening to me, thank you my beautiful family, my faith, friends, strangers, acquaintances, books, etc. for loving me...all of me! Xxxxoooo Michelle